you: she flurried her finger down to the bone. by accident.
me: QUIT YOUR JOB FOR GOD'S SAKE.
10 months ago
”

I just googled proper blow job techniques. I really hope Google doesn’t follow these searches….

10 months ago
you: yeah, like that kid who ate the potpourri.
me: wait. that was me. i had to go to poison control after that.
10 months ago
”

I get a picture of him and a margarita everyday.

10 months ago
”

I hate when you make me color with you.

10 months ago
”

If you get involved with one more Kevin, I’m going to rip your vagina off.

10 months ago
”

I’m gonna play Britney when we move in. You know what that means? PREGNANCY COMMENCE.

10 months ago
”

Alright guys. I’m officially sexually frustrated. Bring on the oatmeal raisin cookies.

10 months ago
”

Rude. Go bleed somewhere else.

10 months ago
”

God, I just want to pee on a toddler.

10 months ago