Inappropriate Things My Roommate Says

"I think I have vertigo. Wait. What is vertigo?"

Thu, 30 Aug 2012 12:21:44 -0400

“I think I have vertigo. Wait. What is vertigo?”

"Enjoy your wet dance. Also known as a shower."

Tue, 14 Aug 2012 23:11:00 -0400

“Enjoy your wet dance. Also known as a shower.”

"Actually, I’m just gonna stick to falafel because yaknow. I’m weird about red meats."

Sat, 11 Aug 2012 00:46:17 -0400

“Actually, I’m just gonna stick to falafel because yaknow. I’m weird about red meats.”

you: so how's ramadan?

Fri, 10 Aug 2012 16:40:00 -0400

you: so how's ramadan?
me: who?
you: ...ramadan...

"I just set my microwave on fire by putting wax paper and an apple pie in there. But don’t tell..."

Tue, 24 Jul 2012 00:16:29 -0400

“I just set my microwave on fire by putting wax paper and an apple pie in there. But don’t tell anyone okay?”

"do you remember the last time you lost your marbles? literally? you were sitting in the living room!"

Tue, 24 Jul 2012 00:15:22 -0400

“do you remember the last time you lost your marbles? literally? you were sitting in the living room!”

"you got her seroquel for christmas?"

Tue, 24 Jul 2012 00:14:28 -0400

“you got her seroquel for christmas?”

"so i made him a bento. you know what that is right?"

Tue, 24 Jul 2012 00:13:11 -0400

“so i made him a bento. you know what that is right?”

"I don’t dance in the shower. Do you want me to slip and die?"

Tue, 24 Jul 2012 00:12:08 -0400

“I don’t dance in the shower. Do you want me to slip and die?”

"Well I’m asian so I see wide screen."

Tue, 24 Jul 2012 00:10:42 -0400

“Well I’m asian so I see wide screen.”

you: she flurried her finger down to the bone. by accident.

Sun, 15 Jul 2012 23:05:22 -0400

you: she flurried her finger down to the bone. by accident.
me: QUIT YOUR JOB FOR GOD'S SAKE.

"I just googled proper blow job techniques. I really hope Google doesn’t follow these..."

Sun, 15 Jul 2012 00:58:18 -0400

““I just googled proper blow job techniques. I really hope Google doesn’t follow these searches….””

you: yeah, like that kid who ate the potpourri.

Tue, 03 Jul 2012 19:22:25 -0400

you: yeah, like that kid who ate the potpourri.
me: wait. that was me. i had to go to poison control after that.

"I get a picture of him and a margarita everyday."

Tue, 03 Jul 2012 19:03:30 -0400

“I get a picture of him and a margarita everyday.”

"I hate when you make me color with you."

Sun, 01 Jul 2012 23:20:27 -0400

“I hate when you make me color with you.”

"I’m gonna play Britney when we move in. You know what that means? PREGNANCY COMMENCE."

Sun, 01 Jul 2012 23:01:00 -0400

““I’m gonna play Britney when we move in. You know what that means? PREGNANCY COMMENCE.””

"If you get involved with one more Kevin, I’m going to rip your vagina off."

Sun, 01 Jul 2012 23:01:00 -0400

“If you get involved with one more Kevin, I’m going to rip your vagina off.”

"Alright guys. I’m officially sexually frustrated. Bring on the oatmeal raisin cookies."

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 22:51:03 -0400

“Alright guys. I’m officially sexually frustrated. Bring on the oatmeal raisin cookies.”

"Rude. Go bleed somewhere else."

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 23:08:06 -0400

“Rude. Go bleed somewhere else.”

"God, I just want to pee on a toddler."

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 23:01:48 -0400

“God, I just want to pee on a toddler.”